my story...

For the first time in my entire life I was fired. I had never been fired before. It hurt, it stung. But as usual they always try and put it in the nicest way possible. “We’re going in a different direction” or “I’m afraid we’re going to have to part ways.” My personal favorite and, as usual luck not on my side, I was on the receiving end of “I think we’re going to be done now.” Why can we say the ‘fired’ word anymore? In one-way or another that’s what all of those above statements are saying. Fired! For some reason it has become a social faux pas, the human ego can no longer survive an assault like that.

I’ve recently finished reading a book called ‘The Ego Boom: Why the World really does revolve around you’. In this book the authors present the idea of the “You Sell”. The You Sell is a philosophy that all major corporations and marketing firms now follow. Essentially it goes as follows: products are no longer marketed as aspirational items. The old way; if you own this diamond necklace or this sports car then you’ll be beautiful, rich, and all of your problems will disappear. The same diamond necklaces and sports cars are now directed at us with the “You Sell” in mind. The new way: you deserve this car, or you are already good enough for this necklace. Society now drives headlong into an egotistical frenzy in which people’s feelings are paramount. This now means that ultimate truth is no longer of any value. People can no longer say what they’re really thinking or feeling without the immanent threat of feelings being damaged.

In August 2008 I quit my job at a local bank. The short version is that I was incredibly unfulfilled, and wanted something in which my gifts could be used. Surprisingly enough, that was not in a bank handing out other people’s money for eight hours a day. Still needing to complete a four-month internship so that I could graduate from the degree program that I had been working through for 5 years, I was led to a growing church in a bedroom community outside of my hometown. So in September of the same year I began my associate pastor internship at this church. While I was technically an associate pastor my main role and my personal focus was youth. The church had no preexisting youth group established and from day one that was job one on my list of “to do’s” given by the lead pastor. I was one of three pastors working at this church. There was the lead pastor, Alan. He had been in the ministry for well over twenty years working at various churches all over Canada. He, like many pastors, started out as youth pastor. His wife, Rebecca, was the secretary and administrative assistant. Finally, there was another associate pastor beside myself, Jon. His main role was small groups and Sunday morning worship. Having no jumping off point from a previous or current youth pastor I was forced to improvise and fly by the seat of my pants most of the time. Normally interns are placed with a direct mentor who is working in the field that the intern is interested in. Since Alan was a youth pastor for many years and I was not technically a youth intern the college faculty decided to forgo normal protocol and allow my internship to commence. So I went and I did. I started a Friday night youth meeting, ran evening Bible studies during the school year, and met teens for cokes (let’s be honest, it was Starbucks… their choice). And so it went, while it wasn’t without fault I plodded along trying to do the best I could on no experience. The lead pastor, Alan, did offer advice and comments from time to time on what I was doing and what might work better. But for the most part that advice was few and far between. Alan set precedent from the beginning that he liked to meet with each of the associates weekly, one on one for personal discussion and to touch base about each ministry under his direction. From the beginning these times were, for me, marked with things done wrong, improvements needing to be made and a general sense to do better. In early December it was put forth by the board of the church that I was to be hired as a full time youth pastor. The congregation voted and I received one hundred percent confidence from the church. As of January 2009 I was officially employed. I was a pastor, something I had been working toward for many years. So now that I wasn’t going anywhere I began to make more permanent decisions about the youth ministry. So I continued to do and go, the youth ministry was officially going, the monthly Bible study continued, and eventually enough interest was generated that the lead pastor, Alan thought it best to start a junior high ministry. So I went and I did. Through this time my weekly meetings continued and I began to dread them, knowing that each time I was going to receive criticism and a call to do better and improve. Coming away from each meeting I felt belittled and unworthy. I even remember saying to a friend and former youth pastor, “I hate my job! Don’t get me wrong I love the kids and doing the ministry, but I hate my job.”

One afternoon in early November, Alan met with me for what would be the last time. The usual criticism and call to do better came. But what was different was the ultimatum had been given. I was to step it up, do better or he would be forced to “let me go”. So as I had done many times before I stepped it up, I did more and I did it better. Or so I thought. Less than a month later, on a Friday morning, one month shy of a full year, Alan asked to speak with me in his office. We sat down and my ears heard what I never expected to hear. “I’m sorry Jared, but we’re going to have to be done now.” The cop out to “You’re fired”. So at the end of December 2009 I was no longer a youth pastor, I was no longer employed. My wife, who was four months pregnant at the time with our twin girls, and I were stopped dead in our tracks. Stunned and completely unsure of what do to next. We eventually moved out of this bedroom community back to our hometown and began to put our life back in order. But it wasn’t going to be easy.

I have left many details out of my story. I feel that they are not relevant to my purpose here and they would not be flattering to the church or its current pastors. Quickly following my departure from that church I slipped into a depression, partly from sheer exhaustion, or what Christians call, being burnt out. But also from shock, hurt feelings, betrayal and many other factors. As I write this, I am still wading through my depression, dealing with my loss, and learning to be a new parent among many other things. Much has changed in my life in very little time. That is why I decided to write this. To work through not only my depression and feelings from being fired from what I loved but also to figure out who I am now. I am still Jared Brandes, I am still a husband, a father, a brother, a son, and most importantly I still claim Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in my life. But what does that mean? I was born and raised in an evangelical, Christ following home. I attended church from the time I was born. When I was young I believed as my parents did. When I grew older I began to reshape my beliefs to my own experiences of Christ Jesus. I attended an evangelical college and for a short time worked in an evangelical church. But what does that all add up too? Through this blog I hope to explore what it means to be a devoted follower of Christ. Could evolution have happened or is creation the only way to go? What do I believe about tattoos or drinking? Heaven, Hell? All these and more I hope to unwrap as I wrestle with some of the core Christian beliefs and ultimately find out who Jesus Christ is to me, Jared Brandes.